Jolita Kelias: A SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS by Saurabh Singh

I was born in a small town of India called Aligarh on Sept 1988. Till the age of five I lived with my parents. They took great care of me, especially my mother, who always wanted to give me all the joys of her motherly love and this world. She was a school teacher working for the Indian government school. My father was an Assistant Engineer. At that time I truly believed I was a very lucky fellow. But my happiness and self assurance lasted only till the age of five. Then everything changed! I was five years old when my father experienced a critical accident when riding a bus. He died. A few months later my mother died from a heart attack, as she could not cope with the loss of her husband. My little brother, who was two years younger than me, suddenly died as well due to an illness. That time I was far too young to understand these life changing events, but one thing I did understand clearly that it was the last time I saw them.

As the time passed, I got used to being without my parents. I was taken good care by my grandparents. They tried to give me the best. I did fine in my studies, so there was not a problem for anybody. The financial problems never existed for my grandparents were rich enough to suffice my needs. Likewise, continuing my studies I got admission to engineering at the age of eighteen.

I had always been an atheist, never open enough to believe in the existence of God and all that He governs. I was a self renowned egoist, who strongly believed that my views were always right. If someone came and tried to explain to me the meaning of God or talked about spirituality, I never listened for being an atheist I had my own views and explanations. I used to think, if God could not take care of children, then why would I believe in His existence? Nevertheless, one blissful day I underwent a spiritual transformation that changed everything in my life...

My childhood was spent at a place, where the monetary things were in abundance but happiness was lacking. Laughing or being happy was not permitted in my life. All that mattered was receiving good marks. If I did not get good marks in my exams, I was supposed to be sad, and if I got good marks, then I was expected to get more of it, but was never supposed to feel happy. I was taught that happiness was something, which made people idle and prevented them from hard work. This was the definition of happiness I was educated about since my early life.

At that time some traditional definitions I had in my mind were:

God: Someone or something that delivers good marks if I pray and if I do not pray, then I shall fail in my exams;

Spirituality: It was a term associated with people, who had nothing to do in life. These people were the worst choice and their company shall always spoil my life;

Success: It was all about holding a rank ‘First in class’;

These basic things in life, and so therefore I lived with this false image of the world, which surrounded me.

I was also taught not to trust anybody, because all the people in this world were bad and for some reason, known only to them, wanted to cheat me. I felt as if I was programmed to be a negative thought holder. So by having these negative thoughts in my mind the only things I attracted into my life were more negative thoughts and more negative people. Consequently, there was always a fear within me: fear of being cheated, fear of darkness and fear of the whole humanity. I disliked this kind of feeling, but also I felt trapped and could not find a way out. I was just like a robot programmed to think in that particular way.

So the term happiness was never related to me in any way. I spent my childhood in the pursuit of marks. This continued until I received an admission to the Engineering College in Kanpur, 309 kilometers away from my native place. It genuinely was the best thing that ever happened to me. Being away from my native home, I unexpectedly received a prospect of growing spiritually and learning to know and accept happiness in its fullest.

Fortunately, we humans are somewhat better than robots and can analyze the things happening around us from our own perspective and can change these programmed false images of the world.

I did realize then that the view I was holding never complied with an actual world. This thing called happiness sometimes seemed to be so unconditional that even the poorest man appeared to be the happiest man on the planet. I wanted to feel like those people – free of fear, free of spiritual poverty, free of need and frustration.

As I received a bit of freedom and began observing the outer world more closely, I realized that my views were wrong and not because those who taught me wanted to misdirect me, but because they were also trapped in their perceptions of the world.

One day I met a worker at my good friend’s home. She was almost eighty years old. Her job was to wash clothes. Her wage had remained the same for a long time. In spite of these facts, this old lady seemed to be the most satisfied, the most serene and tranquil person I had ever met. Meeting her invoked a thirst in me to know and experience a true happiness. I questioned myself from within: Who am I? Who is God? What is true Love? What is spirituality? These questions and more were queuing in my mind. I searched for answers.

And so my biggest desire awakened and I turned from being an atheist to a seeker of truth. Suddenly I understood that there existed other perceptions and ways of life as well. So my dream was to find the answers to all my questions, to know God, to find the true meaning of happiness and to experience it for myself.

I started to look for someone, who could be my mentor and who could guide me on this path of spirituality. I had a friend name Ankit. I used to go to his place frequently, but never before had I realized that my first spiritual teacher was already there...

Aunt of my best friend was a doctor and a very serene and tranquil lady. Throughout her life she has encountered many great sages of India. When she recognized the zest within me to know about God and to learn about spirituality, she began guiding me gently and with love. She advised me to read some great books by also giving a brief description and overview of those books, so that I could develop interest in them. Before then I have never read a single book outside my study syllabi. I guess the time matured for me to finally begin showing an interest in things different from my daily routine, if I wanted to make a positive change in my life.

I started visiting my friend’s place more frequently. The family always treated me as their own. Although, I tend to be a little introvert, eventually I began to feel as one of them. Slowly and steadily I kept learning and discovering more and more hidden truths of life. I read books, I observed, I listened, I questioned and experienced all one step at a time. These were not treasures hidden somewhere far away from me. These were hidden deep within my inner self.

I was constantly enquiring within me, “Who am I?”, “What is my purpose?”, “Where am I going?”, “Who is leading me?”, “What and who is God?”, and many more. I also met a few great saints of India, who with their divine presence silently encouraged me to go deeper and be more persistent in my search of divinity concealed within me. I started maintaining a journal. I began collecting the best spiritual teachings, articles and stories. Now, whenever I feel the need for some mentoring, I open this journal of mine and search for inspiring answers and guidance to my questions there.

A vast ocean of positive vibrations surrounds me. I feel great! The most important thing is I finally learnt and understood that nobody can know everything, because otherwise the search would stop. I openly take the teachings from all the sources available to me. Then I try to perceive its meaning based on my own understanding and the level of spiritual maturity I have attained so far, and if all goes well with me, I accept the teaching.

I had this dream of being happy and knowing the self. I am happy now, very happy in fact. And I am on the journey in discovering the Self...

~Saurabh Singh
India